April Fool's Day

Anyone that has known me for a long time knows that I used to LOVE April Fool's Day. I couldn't wait to prank people. Almost all of the pranks were all in good fun, while one went too far and I regretted it. That person forgave me and I'm glad that he's still a good friend of mine. :)

Four years ago, April Fool's Day turned into one of the worst days of my life. I was faced with the decision that no one should ever have to make. Erik and I had to make the decision to put our newborn daughter through multiple surgeries and pain or let her leave us peacefully and happy. We chose to hold her in our arms as she quietly left us. This decision was extremely difficult for us to make and we only had about 15 minutes to decide. We didn't know how much brain damage there was after 15 minutes of CPR during her heart cath. Also, she'd have to go directly to surgery and her chance for an implant (which was her best chance) was gone. We didn't think that her quality of life would be very good and didn't want to put her through that kind of pain. Not everyone would make the same decision that we would, but we don't regret it. We were able to hold her and her brother Gabe was able to come see her and kiss her goodbye. Having all three of us there to say goodbye to her meant the world to me.

Each April Fool's Day since then has been a difficult and emotional day for me. I'm not really in the mood to play pranks a whole lot, but I enjoy doing them with Gabe and I'm sure I'll enjoy doing them with Maddie when she's old enough. I'm just not into it anymore with anyone else because of the memories. This is actually the first year that I have gone to work on this day. I couldn't allow myself to call off of work this day because our extremely high stakes test is tomorrow and I couldn't deny my students another day of review. Work was a nice distraction. Each year, things get a bit better. 

The first few months were almost a complete blur to me. I went through the motions and put on a fake smile when necessary, but there were few real smiles. It's silly because he was only 3, but Gabe really helped me get through those days. He was the only one who could bring a smile to my face at times. Erik was also a light in the darkness for me. He was really the only one that I knew understood what I was feeling. I felt comfortable enough to share anything that I was feeling with him and he listened. Erik has really been my rock ever since we started dating, but it went to a different level after Cora was diagnosed with HLHS. He is an amazing man, and I'm so in love with him!!!

It was really rough at first, but I can finally say that my life has changed for the better since having Cora. She touched more lives than I could even imagine touching in my entire lifetime. All of this was done in just nine months of my pregnancy and a day and a half of life. She helped me to stop taking things for granted. Life is so fragile sometimes. You really have to enjoy the moments that you have while you have them. Cora also helped me to realize my own strength. A co worker told me once that I'm a really strong woman. I didn't believe her at the time because I never saw that strength in myself. After learning about HLHS, I found a strength that I never knew I had in me. This strength allowed me to face the doctor appointments with hope, talk with friends and family about Cora's condition, inspire others, and deal with comments from people that were hurtful to me but not intended to be that way.

Cora was beautiful and loved by so many. I treasure the few moments and small amount of video that I got with her. I am still humbled by the support from friends and family. I can't believe the amount of people that were there for us to help out in any way they could. Friends and family had "Cora roses" planted in our back yard, brought meals, surprised us with an angel food cake, took the time for phone calls, wrote notes, told me funny stories to make me laugh, and just let us know that were were loved. That meant the world to me, and I'll never forget it!

I think of Cora often. I don't think a week will ever go by where I don't think of her. I still notice children that are about 4 years old, the age she would have turned yesterday. I wonder what kind of girl she would be, what kind of life she would have, and so many things. I'll never see her high school graduation or wedding. I never got to throw her a birthday party or watch her open her Easter basket. There are so many experiences that I missed out on, but I am extremely thankful that I was able to spend a few precious moments with her.

Goodnight Baby Cora