I saw this on a blog of someone who has been very inspiring to me lately. It was very touching and I felt that I had to share it.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

-Author unknown

5 pounds!!!

So we had an OB appointment and ultrasound on Monday. We got a lot of amazing 3-d pics of Cora!!! She is in a breech position right now. For the past few weeks, I've been thinking that I've been gently pushing her butt out of my ribs. Little did I know, it was her head. Its not a problem because I'm going to have a c-section anyway. At the end of the ultrasound, they told me that she is 5 lbs. 13 oz. I was so happy to see that she is growing well. She is staying in the 75th percentile. I was even happier to see that she is at least 5 pounds now! I know that ultrasounds can be off by at least a pound, but I'm very confident that she will be at least 5 pounds by the time she is born. 5 pounds is like a magic number to us. We've been told that it is a safe operating weight for newborns. They usually don't do the surgeries on babies until they are at least this weight. I'm so happy that I don't have to worry about that anymore!!!

The OB appointment was just a check up, everything is normal. They have scheduled me for a c-section on March 31st. If Cora decides to cooperate, that will be her birthday! I say this because I have this strange feeling that I'm going to go into labor before this date. Also, when shes born, we'll get much more info about what route to take next. It is so frustrating not knowing whether she'll have the surgeries or a transplant. I am okay with both options. They each have their own pros and cons, but overall, they are about the same in immediate and long term risk.

I am just so excited to finally be able to hold her in my arms! I can't wait!!! Gabriel can't wait to see her too. Somehow, he thinks that Cora will be born and come play with his instruments and toys. He even played with my belly all day Saturday, pretending that it was Cora. He can't wait to meet his sister, and I'm sure he'll be an excellent big brother.

Lastly, we have finally decided on a middle name for our little girl. Her name will be
Cora Rachelle Dahlgren. The first name was so easy to choose and seemed almost obvious to us. We love the meaning behind it. It was hard for us to agree and decide on a middle name that went with Cora. There is no significance to Rachelle, but we like the way it sounds with Cora.

Thank You!!!

I wanted to write this post separately. I was going to write it last night, but I was so tired after writing the other one that I just had to go to bed.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers, nice thoughts, and wishes as we travel down this road. At times like this, I really see what an amazing family and group of friends that I am blessed with. There is so much support and I'm not sure I could get through this without it. Everyone has been truly wonderful through this. Thank you, thank you thank you!!!

Love,
Erik, Jenn, Gabriel, and Cora Dahlgren

Very Busy Day at CAM and Children's

We had so many appointments and meetings today. It was all very overwhelming. We met a lot of new people and got a lot of new information. I felt fine all day, but when I got home, I was exhausted. Here is a recap of the appointments.

OB
We had our OB appointment first. She just wanted to check up on everything and see how I was doing. It was a normal, routine appointment. She said that my c-section would be scheduled for March 31st. I just have to wait and hear back for a time.

Fetal Echo
After the OB appointment, we went over to Children's for a fetal echo. This time I met a new pediatric cardiologist. Its amazing to see how different doctors can have such different takes on the same thing. This time, Cora cooperated more than ever. I think its because she has less room to move around. The other times, the ultrasound tech had to chase her around and hope that she stayed still for a min. They were able to get a good look at the sinusoids for the first time. They always knew they were there, but it was hard to see them. The cardiologist explained everything so well and it was great to hear all of that. He explained more about the sinusoids, how they developed, and why they cause problems with the surgeries. He also explained how all of the surgeries worked. I didn't really understand this before. I never knew that the right side will be pumping to the body instead of the lungs. The blood that needs to go to the lungs will bypass the heart and go straight to the lungs. Its all pretty amazing to me. We still won't know if we can have the surgeries or a transplant until they do a cath and put dye in her heart to see exactly what is going on.

CICU Tour
After taking a break for lunch, we went up to CICU to see if Wendi could give us a tour. She was someone that my mom recommended to us. She was so nice and answered all of our questions. It was nice to see where Cora would be spending most of her time. We walked in, just wanting to take a look around and ending up asking a ton of questions. We found out that most of the shirts that I got for Cora won't work until we get her home. I don't know why I stress about the little details! I guess I have to go shopping for a few more things. She can't really have things that go over her head. Its hard to get them on. Wendi was really nice and patient with the two of us. I'm really glad that we did this tour. Knowing more made us feel a lot better. After the tour, we went down to visit with Mom and give her an update. She was working today, but was kinda busy.

C/T Surgeon
After talking with mom and checking out the Ronald McDonald room, we met with Dr. Gandhi, one of the cardio/thoracic surgeons. There are only two doctors at Children's that do the surgeries and he is one of them. He explained more about the surgeries and told us why Cora's condition is more complicated. HLHS is the most complicated congenital heart defect and Cora has problems with the mitral and aortic valves which make it possibly the worst kind of HLHS to deal with. This is why she might need a transplant. He also told us that there were 20 HLHS babies in the hospital last year. Of the 20, they only lost one. He also said that there were good and bad things about both a transplant and the surgeries. That made me feel a lot better. I had been thinking that a transplant would be a bad option, but the babies have about the same survival rates. Also, there is an average wait of only about 6 weeks for an infant heart because they ignore blood type and they only use the hearts in extreme cases. They are doing more surgeries now and are not needing as many hearts as they had in the past. I was glad to hear that because I had worried about Cora waiting a really long time for a heart. We were VERY impressed with Dr. Gandhi. He was so nice. We would really love for him to do the surgeries on Cora. I'm sure the other doctor is great too, we just haven't met him yet.

At the end of the day, we left the hospital feeling much better than we had in the past. We got so much information, but I was glad to get it. The doctors were very patient with us and explained everything. I'm the type of person who needs to have all of the facts on everything and it was really nice to finally get some straight answers rather than generalizations. This was the busiest day we've ever had at CAM/Children's, and I don't think we'll have another one like this until Cora is born. We have one more ultrasound, one echo, and 4 more OB appointments. These will probably all be routine, just checking up on things. I'll still try to keep everyone updated on things.

Another day at the CAM building

We had a snow day at school today. That was really nice, because its a day of appointments that I won't be using one of my treasured sick days for. I have 44.5 sick days right now. With all of the snow days that we've had this year, I think I'll need about 42 days. I am trying to schedule things on days off as much as possible. I have a ton of appts. on the 16th which is President's Day. The next day is Pulaski Day. After that, I think I'm only going to use up 2-3 days. I'll be cutting it really close. I'm trying not to go over because they deduct my pay for every day that I go over.

Anyway, we had the ultrasound first today That was fine. I love seeing glimpses of my little girl! Erik actually got to go to this one, which was nice because he had to miss the past two. They are doing so many ultrasounds to make sure that Cora is growing normally, because a lot of times, HLHS babies don't gain a lot of weight. So far, Cora is already 3 lbs and 11 oz! She was only 2 lbs just 4 weeks ago! I just hope that she continues to grow normally.

After the ultrasound, we were able to go get lunch. We came back for the OB appointment. This was the 2nd OB appt. in two weeks! I had to go back this time to get my rhogam shot because I have a negative blood type. I am O negative, which is nice because I am a universal donor. Everyone can receive my blood. Erik and I are planning to go to the Red Cross as soon as we figure out what's going on with Cora. We would like to donate blood for her to use in case she needs it. Anyone else can donate too, and when it gets closer, I can give info for that. The blood would be earmarked just for her, but if she doesn't need it or can't accept it, then it would go to someone else.

On another note, we started setting up Cora's room last week. I am posting some pics of the paint job and the bedding. I fell in love with the bedding, and really love the way the paint colors went together. We took the border to Home Depot and did a color match. I was worried at first, but it dried nicely. I used some of the extra border to make outlet covers. It turned out great and was really easy to do! We don't have everything set up, but you can get a good idea. Don't mind the mess, it will be all cleaned up soon (we hope!!!)

Another round of appointments

We had an ultrasound, OB appointment, and fetal echo last week. The ultrasound showed that Cora is growing normally, she's already two pounds! We got some really good 3-D pics of her. The OB appointment was fine. He just wanted to check in and see that everything was progressing normally. He told me that I'm now on the "3,3,2,2,1,1 plan so I go back on the 21st. The fetal echo was normal also, nothing new. That is both good and bad to us. I keep having this hope that the sinusoids will go away. Its so hard to think about my little girl waiting around for a heart, with her health getting worse the more she waits. If the sinusoids go away or turn out to be small, then she can have the Norwood, Glenn, and Fontan surgeries. That would make me SO happy!!! The good news was that the valve betwen the left and right chamber is still wide open, allowing the body to mix red and blue blood and pump pruple throughout the body. If that closes, it gets really hard to treat, and she'd have a much smaller chance of survival. We were suposed to meet with a cardio-thoracic surgeon and have so many questions for him! Unfortunately, he was performing a Norwood procedure at the time, so we'll have to wait until Feb. We met with a neonatologist who will be caring for Cora right when she's born. He was so nice, and we really liked him!!! He asked all kinds of questions and seemed genuinely interested in everyting. He then wrote a letter to everyone involved explaining us and our family, Cora's condition, the complications, and the expected care that she will receive. The letter was so nice, I may have to scrapbook it later. He told us that right when she's born, we'll get a few minutes with her and then she'll be taken over to Children's for an echo, cardiac cath, other tests, and medication to keep her heart open and able to pump blood to the body. He said some things that made me cry for the first time in a long time. The closer we get, the harder it is to deal with everything. He told me that Erik's job will be running back and forth between Children's and Barnes, relaying all kinds of info to me. My job will be to stay in bed and try to recover from the C-section as fast as possible so that I can get up and go see my little girl. I lost it at that point. It is going to be so hard for me to sit in bed without being able to see Cora and make sure that she's okay. I know that it won't take long for me to get up in a wheelchair to see her, but its going to feel like an eternity. I also know that Erik will do everything he can to make I know as much as possible about Cora while taking care of me in bed. Its just really hard to think about right now.

Update

We had an ultrasound and fetal echo this week and also met with the new high risk OB and pediatric cardiologist this week. There wasn't much that had changed. She is still growing normally. The cardiologist told us that there is a chance that we can have surgeries with sinusoids, so that gave us a lot of hope. They also looked at her mitral valve, which allows the two chambers of the heart to mix blood. Sometimes, this valve closes or gets really small, which can also cause problems with the surgeries. Thankfully, the valve is still open and not causing a problem. Erik and I are still keeping our spirits up. We are so thankful for everyone's thoughts and prayers. We have an amazing group of friends, family, and co-workers!